The calm after the storm, I felt emotionally drained today but there was a sense of peace and tranquility after the tumultuous evening the night before- its not good having a storm inside your head there’s no space for the devastation afterwards! But the weakness mad me stronger too; I started the day with a walk in beautiful sunshine, drove off to an alright day at work, a day with more conviction and less temptation with food and I fiished with Adey/ God and I conquerors- I day at a time. God is working and he knows the plan :)
Another less than happy one and a half hours of exhausting emotions and crying; please any one reading this never underestimate hormones or assume pregnancy is a joyful time for all. We want this baby SO much, we’ve tried SO hard for him and yet… and yet I have been a nervous wreck over the last few months and dont show any signs of mellowing as yet!
Its hard not knowing or understanding your body and mind; in someways I find myself turning my back on God in embarrassment and in others I lean to Him so much more, realising everything i have is from Him; my husband, jo, house, our baby, my life. I cant be angry or upset with Hi because I know His plan is bigger and better and I am nothing without him and all this is for a reason. The tears are allowed to flow, mopped up by Adrian and myself and we look towards the solution- antidepressants/ hospital support/ Gods strength? to put this (me) all right again.
I feel my life has three challenges at present; not to worry and question our pregnancy, to love my body and in doing so pass that love and nurturing onto our baby and finally to love and not be frustrated by one of my work colleagues, who drives me a bit crazy. I’m not doing terribly well in any of those, but God has given me a greater peace on the first two in the last day or two so all that remains is to thinking loving thoughts towards our registrar!
It was a Friday; tired by the week that’s been the day wasn’t a delight, but muddling through and out the other side it ended peacefully with a quiet and relaxed evening with my wonderful amazing husband who I know I’m lucky to have! And we shared a moment with our baby listening to the heart beat:) Praise God all is still well and we’re nearing another milestone!
Dearest Mary, I look to you now for the help of your maternal love. You understand my trials as an expectant mother. You bore Jesus in your womb. You know the doubts and anxieties that beset me; you know the bodily suffering I endure. Like you, may I turn all these sorrows into joy. You overcame anxiety by a loving trust in God; you overcame doubt by gentle resignation to His will.
Your motherhood lifted your mind above earth and kept it close to God.
So speak to Jesus now with me, beloved Mother, as I seek prayerfully to learn to bear the trials of motherhood with joy.
Mother of Perpetual Help, Pray for me!
I aspire to be defined!
(Source: takingflightwithyou, via kennethgcampbell)
But God says:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
God is amazing and the holiday has renewed me! Eating is back on Track, I truely found God again and feel so inspired that i no longer feel that I need to write under this heading, so…. Moving on to ‘Living in Gods spirit’ hurray!
About to embark on a flight and for the last 24 Hours I’ve been ‘good’, to reward me I have a nasty headache, as I don’t seem to shy from pain I can’t understand why certain pains get to me more than others?
This journey is an opportunity to go back in time, to when food was a friend and pleasure, not a sibling to guilt and remorse and to when my mind and body were a means of connecting to God. When I step off the plane in Thailand my rebirth begins!
Lord, please forgive me for not trusting you to help me with my eating disorder.
Forgive me for trying all this time to do this on my own and shutting you out of this part of my life.
I repent today from unbelief; please help me to believe that you can heal me.
I stand on your Word today that says ‘…with God all things are possible’(Matthew 19:26) I will no longer believe the lies of the enemy. This is not too big for you God, but this is not just some little thing that I have to take care of either.
This is not something I will have to carry for the rest of my life. Your Word says that you have come to set the captives free (Isaiah 61:1) and you don’t want me to be in bondage. You want me to live a life of abundance (John 10:10).
I submit my life to you Lord.
Please use your Word and this study to change me, all of me, forever.